


Oh, Vergessene Sterne!

by SusserSterne



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, If you squint it’s there, M/M, Time Loop Theory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23540917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SusserSterne/pseuds/SusserSterne
Summary: He thinks of the flowers, blooming in the cracks of red. He thinks of flowers, whose petals were red.He recalls, the wind carried seasons.But it was all red, even his blood.And so, he asked, in the wake of the season of mourning.“Please let me build a grave.”
Relationships: Ikari Shinji & Nagisa Kaworu, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	Oh, Vergessene Sterne!

**Author's Note:**

> Set during and after Evangelion 3.0 and exploring the time lapse of Kaworu and Shinji practicing the piano. Two particular songs inspired me to write this, Sakura Nagashi and Hana Furashi. Both songs put into translation mean, “Cherry Blossoms for the departed” and “Flowers, Made to fall” Credits to Hideaki Anno for creating Evangelion, and E.E Cummings for his wonderful poem

**[ + ]**

“You brat! We don’t have time to waste on a fricking grave!” Those words fell to deaf ears, he could only but hear the piano. The sweet sound produced by fingers pressing down on both ivory and white keys. His hand brushing against a much paler one.

“Who are you going to make a grave for anyways? The Eva? I didn’t know you cared.” That wasn’t it. He didn’t understand the Eva. But when he thought about it, he never understood _him_ either. 

Silence took over.

Moments later, he’d speak. His voice so soft it could be mistaken for a whisper.

“Please.”

[＊]

Seasons were hardly discernible nowadays. One might think it was summer in spring. If there was still spring. The world’s climate changed all too much after _that_. And yet, the wind carried on strongly, sweeping away with it those who have lost and those who are lost.

He takes to watching the grass, the flowers, any sign of life, grow from the cracks of steel and metal stained red. Green amidst the red was a terrible combination, but it did bring sentiment with it. It was terrible, but also wonderful.

The first time he saw green was during the time he first arrived at NERV’s remains. Such lively green was accompanied with a black piano. The sweet inviting sound of the piano as a boy played it. Red eyes almost the color of the remains of NERV’s old HQ meet his own contrasting blue. A ghost, he thought, the boy was as pale as a ghost.

He carried on.

[＊]

He was confused. His father looked so different, with an unfamiliar visor rather than the round shaped glasses he got used to. “You are to pilot Eva Unit 13 with your Co-pilot.” It was the boy from earlier. Underneath the light, he looked much more _alive._

What exactly was he supposed to do? Misato… She had told him not to do anything. And Touji’s sister, he was glad she was healthy. She also told him not to pilot the Eva. 

_From now on, you won’t do anything._

_Do anything but pilot an Eva! Please, anything but **that!**_

_Pilot Eva Unit 13._

He hugged his knees closer to himself as he leaned against the red wall.

_Do anything but pilot an Eva! Please, anything but **that!** Pilot Eva Unit 13.From now on, you won’t do anything._

_**The panel in front of him cracked upon the impact of a clutched fist.** _

_**The choker digging into his skin.** _

He hid his face by burrowing it at his knees.

Silence.

Wind overtook his thoughts as the flowers beside him swayed. He spared a moment to glance at it. There were white and yellow now, with the green and red. Its petals were beautiful.

Once more, he drowned himself in the sound of the piano. 

“Why don’t you come down here, Shinji? Let’s talk.”

[＊]

The piano was well taken care of. If it had been there for years now, there was almost no sign of its age. He sat still on the chair in front of it. What exactly was he supposed to do? Play it? He didn’t exactly have that skill. He looked back at the silent male behind him. “I thought you wanted to talk.. This isn’t exactly what I thought you meant..”

He expected at least a name, but instead, “Playing the piano with four hands is a conversation. Just on scales.”

It made sense, but at the same time it didn’t. He didn’t try to understand it.

The pale boy leaned forward, he could feel him press onto his back. His eyes widened and a small gasp came from his mouth shortly afterwards.  
A hand on his wrist guided him, and he pressed on the ivory and white keys.

He forcibly moved as the pale boy sat beside him, taking the lead.

It was fun.

Shortly afterwards, he would learn the name of the boy.

“Kaworu, Kaworu Nagisa.”

His mouth opened and then closed.

“Just like you, I am a Child with a predestined fate.”

[＊]

  
He’d recall the first time they knew of each other’s name.

Kaworu Nagisa.

It was a beautiful name, he thought. It suit the pale boy who sat beside him in front of the black piano. 

“I’m sorry I was not able to introduce myself sooner.” 

He’d recall their first piano session and smiled, it was truly fun.

Tan hands moved forward, intent on playing the instrument. To learn and to adapt, though he knows he will never play as good as the boy beside him. “I feel like I got to know you through the piano anyways.” He told Kaworu, facing as his hands rested on the keys.

A tender laugh was heard, music akin to that of the piano. If Shinji were to describe Kaworu now with one word, he would definitely say music. For music flowed as freely as the wind, carrying with it his burdens and emotions.

“You learn quickly. You might be a natural at this, Shinji.” Kaworu smiled at him, his eyes gazing at him. He’d look away, feigning that his attention was on the piano. “I don’t think so. I think you’re just a good teacher.” Every time he would look at him like that, he felt small and embarrassed. His gaze was always so warm, gentle if he could say that. It was new.

“Shall we then?” 

Pale hands would hover over the right side of the keyboard, Kaworu’s smile unwavering. 

A series of notes, their hands nearly in sync. Kaworu was right, it did feel like a conversation. He did his best to concentrate but the moment he pressed the wrong key, he abruptly stopped. It was only natural, the piece they were playing was fast. His hands shook slightly and he turned to Kaworu.

“I’m—“

“There’s no need to apologize, Shinji. It is only natural to make mistakes.”

He was left speechless, how come he could always say the right thing? He felt himself calm down, the rapid beating in his heart slowing. 

“Do you want to try again? We have all day to continue practicing.”

He hastily nodded, determined now. 

And so, they started again. The rustling of the tree beside them contributing to the sweet music they both created.  
It was lovely. There was less error on his part. 

The wind occasionally passed by them, guiding his fingers almost. They felt light, and so did he. It was always fun to play the piano with Kaworu. Everytime he went here, it felt like a sanctuary. Their sanctuary. 

It briefly felt like happiness.

“Good job, Shinji. You did well today.”

His cheeks flushed red at the compliment. He wasn’t exactly used to it. He hasn’t heard it once since 14 years had passed. 

“Thanks, you too?” 

He’d reply. Only to realize how dumb it actually was. Of course Kaworu would do well, he was the one teaching him after all. More like, taking his time off to teach him. His lips thinned at this realization.

“Let’s do this again tomorrow. It is getting dark and you’d need to be in your room.”

Kaworu told him, standing up from the chair and looking up the sky. Dusk was approaching quickly, the color of the sky changing. He felt a little disappointed but Kaworu was right. He had to go back to his room.

“Tomorrow, at the same time, then?”

“Yes. See you tomorrow, Shinji.”

He had left first. He took one glance at Kaworu before he entered the building. He was smiling at him with his eyes closed.

He stopped looking and continued on his way to his room, his SDAT weighing heavily in his pocket.

[＊]

He never really got used to waking up in his barren, _cold_ , white room. There was nothing inside of it but a bed and a small compartment where they deliver him food. Come to think of it, who did bring him his food? He hasn’t seen much staff as before.

  
The silence was too much to take, the ringing in his ears. The constant ringing. He couldn’t even hear his self breathe over the sound. It was this deathly silence he yearned to stray away from. He felt like running away, for the very whiteness of the room reminded him of the horrors of piloting the Eva.

Maybe they were right.

Maybe they were wrong.

What did he know? 14 years had passed and it all felt like yesterday. It confused him.

He blamed them. Likewise, they blamed him.

_(The choker he had was evidence of it.)_

He wanted answers, but he doesn’t know if he can handle it.

  
One press later, he shut himself in. Music flooded his ears as his SDAT lay beside him. At least his SDAT is still with him after all those years. He doesn’t remember taking it with him in the entry plug though. 

He closed his eyes as he tucked one hand underneath his pillow. It was comfortable and all, but he felt restless despite the music. His free hand grabbed at the sheets and held onto it tightly, his knees moving closer.

  
It switched to Track 26. 

He sat up, looking at the margins of the door leading to the outside. 

He should get books for _her_ to read. Maybe some books for himself too.

He still had time before practice after all. Might as well spend that time to get something.

  
The door opened, his SDAT weighing lighter in his hand.

[＊]

Books were scattered everywhere and the shelves were tilting forward. Some of the shelves were partially destroyed. He wasn’t new to this sight, he’d come here before. The music continued drowning him as he moved to the pile of books.

The leather covering of some books were dirty and old, they broke apart at his mere touch. Nonetheless, he flipped them open, reading a few of its text before deeming it unreadable.

He managed to salvage a few books, that weren’t all about science and other things he didn’t understand. He enjoyed fiction though. 

He knew that _she_ liked reading English books too. But he wasn’t so sure about it now. The books he had searched for her were piling up at her room. He knew what it meant but he didn’t really want to believe it.

She must have been busy.

Kneeling down beside the books, he’d let out a small cough as dust filled his nostrils. No one else came to this old, abandoned library but him. They probably didn’t care about it. 

_(Much like how they don’t care about him.)_

Selecting a few books and stacking them up neatly beside him, he took the time to relax in the library with a book in hand. It detailed much of what was revealed to the public about the Second Impact, and how the public handled it. He recalled this lesson at his school, with his classmates.

_(Where were they now?)_

She was there too, he had saved her then. 

_(If that was the case, why is she so different and distant?)_

He closed the book and put it back at the pile. 

He glanced over the stack of books he had selected just earlier. There were only 4 books he had selected for her. He noticed the amount was dwindling day after day. Soon enough, he’ll run out of English books to give to her.

He decided to attempt reading one.

  
It felt like reading alien text.

Just like her.

  
He took the books with him and carried them to her room.

Maybe, she’d read these.

_None of the books he left were read by her._

[＊]

“Are you alright?”

He stopped dead in his tracks as he looked at the male sitting in front of the piano. He laughed awkwardly, avoiding the eyes of the other.

“Yeah, I just made a quick visit to the library.. And read a few books.”

“Do you like reading?”

_Silence._

He opened his mouth to speak but what came out was neither an answer nor an excuse. 

“I don’t have much to do when we aren’t practicing.”

He felt his gaze on him, and it burnt him. Such intense red, but they held the same gentleness that was aimed towards him. That look on him seemed foreign.

He took a seat beside Kaworu, his hands hovering over a set of keys, shivering ever so slightly.

He did not need to speak to signal the start.

“Shinji?”

A pause. 

No music was played.

His eyes widened as he realized that he had completely blanked out.

“Kaworu, I-“

“You seem tired, are you sure you want to continue?”

He wanted to say yes. Because this was something he enjoyed, because he was playing with Kaworu, because _this was their sanctuary._

But he felt lethargic, his hands feeling heavy. 

Kaworu was patient, and he found comfort in that fact. He would never push him to do something he disliked.

He was his _anchor_ , so that he isn’t swept up by _the wind._

“Yes.”

He smiled at Kaworu, to put on a convincing act. The other male would close his eyes and nod, leaning towards him slightly.

_Great._

The pale male would tell him in a series of notes, and he would follow.

His hands shivered still, but one would say that it showed his humanity.

[＊]

Once, a pale hand held his own.

Once it was,

_(What is your hand for?)_

He recalls, once, someone had told him.

_(Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands.)_

Once again, a pale hand covered his own, their fingers tangling with each other.

Oh, the warmth and everything he ever held dear, unfurled right before such tender light in the form of red eyes.

Everything he ever held dear, Everything he ever held dear, everything, Oh, _everything_.

_(nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals_  
_the power of your intense fragility.)_

“Your fingertips are dry, you should take care of them.”

_(in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,)_

As gently as how music flowed, two hearts pounded to a soft rhythm.  
Their breaths low and calm, echoing one after the other.

_(your slightest look easily will unclose me_  
_though i have closed myself.)_

Silence, until the wind heralded the coming of night.

[＊]

_(Is it okay for me to be here?)_

_There was silence._

Darkness loomed over NERV, the sky dark blue as the stars illuminated through the vastness of the night sky.

_(Somewhere I have never travelled, gladly beyond any experience.)_

And yet, here he was.

In the wake of night, inside of the room— _Prison_ he returns to, White was replaced with a darkness he was not familiar with.

It was not the dark of night, nor the darkness of his old room. It was simply the darkness of someone who had turned the lights off, simply the darkness that told him he should be asleep.

There was no window, and there was no wind. Instead, he inhaled oxygen that came from the ventilations, filtrated and cleaned. It was not natural.

It was then that he had an epiphany, as he blankly stared up at the ceiling. Tracing the lines of plates that made up the ceiling, he would remember the fresh air. 

The night sky, illuminated by the twinkling of the stars and the light of the moon. He rarely watched them anymore. NERV was strict, when it comes to him.

He clutched the SDAT in his hand tightly as he burrowed his face into his only pillow.

He moved to insert the earbuds into his ears, but he hesitated.

_Why is he awake?_

Neither a pleasant dream, nor a vicious nightmare plagued his thoughts.

Instead, there was a mere emptiness clawing at both his mind and heart.

He sat up, pressed a button and drowned in the music once more.

  
He felt as though he could hear the piano. Within the walls, echoing, echoing far beyond anything he could reach.

_Why?_

He had no answer to any of his questions, even up until now.

But at least he had a purpose. That was to learn the piano with Kaworu, and to pilot the Eva, wasn’t it? 

He was happy, with him, but what good will come in piloting?

  
He turned up the volume, to the point his ears nearly hurt from it. And yet, there was nothing but silence on the outside.

Only the soft whispers of the ventilation, and his breath could be heard.

  
Pounding ever still, his heart continued beating. Now without a rhythm to follow.

  
He lay back down, and forgot about the darkness of the corners in the room. 

Peace is what mattered right now.

Soon, the lights would be turned on, and he would be served his food.

It was terrible.

[＊]

Moments later, the morning light shined down on him as he exited the building. Breakfast stayed the same, and he woke up at the same time. Both left a bad taste in his mouth, a sign that heralded the day ahead.

And yet, it was the same old repetition he had quickly gotten used to. 

The wind blew past him, a small chill in contrast to the heat of the sun’s rays. Even after all that has happened, the sun still stayed shining. Unlike the weather, climate and people, it never changed.

14 years, and everything changed.

  
He passed by the clearing where the piano lay. Kaworu wasn’t there yet, playing his melodies regardless if anyone heard them. He doesn’t really know what he does whenever they aren’t practicing.

He wondered if it was best for him not to. 

  
His feet carried him wherever he willed to go, walking as far as he could without venturing out too far.

He entered building after building, and stopped only when he arrived at an all too familiar ruin.

This was where the bridge crew was at, right? Most of it was intact but the rest of it crumbled.

All at once it came to him.

_The First Angel Attack, Rei._

He gulped as his feet stumbled backwards, shivering.

_Evangelion Unit 03, Asuka._

A shaky hand reached to cover his mouth.

_Evangelion Unit 01, Awakened. Him._

_The DSS Choker—_

He turned on his heels and ran.

[＊]

_(If it hurts, you could just stop.)_

He ran as far as his feet could take him. And where exactly did they take him? They took him back to where he started, his room.

Pants came one after another, and his shirt felt horrible against his sweat-drenched skin. His shoulders quivered as he nearly sank to his knees.

_He was a terrible person, wasn’t he?_

_Everyone hated him for that, didn’t they?_

_(Of course they did.)_

He opened the door and dived into the comforts of his bed. His SDAT was sprawled on the sheets next to him, untouched. For now.

_(And yet, that was his purpose. Nothing more, nothing less.)_

_(He was not different.)_

  
He curled into himself, as if doing that would make things better.

It never did.

It only made the pain dig deeper until he was gasping for air.

  
Unrelenting sobs were left unheard by anyone as he muffled them with his pillow.

[＊]

Track 26.

  
Track 27.

  
Track 28.

  
His sobs have long since morphed into something softer, much more tired. A sigh, as music filled his ears.

How long has he stayed here? Inside the white walls, above red ground. He didn’t actually know. He felt like he didn’t really care much.

The tears on his pillows have long since dried, leaving only the stench of it as he inhaled.

And exhaled.

And inhaled.

Then, exhaled once more.

  
Silvery white hair flooded his thoughts.

That’s right, he had practice.

  
He forced himself to his feet, reluctantly leaving his SDAT.

[＊]

Unlike other times, Kaworu did not ask, nor probe. But he surely saw, the red rimming his eyes, and the exhaustion. And yet, he was patient and understanding, for he knew this little time of theirs was something different from it all.

This time, he did not lead.

He didn’t understand and looked to the paler man.

“You lead this time, I will follow your notes.”

A look of disbelief was shot towards the other.

A gentle laugh could be heard afterwards.

The words ‘ _Are you serious?_ ’ never reached both of their ears as he relented.

  
He didn’t plan on overpowering the other’s notes but when he lead, it was like a different melody altogether.

It was much slower, somber and relaxing. In contrast to the original pace of the piece, he decided to make it easier to play by making it slower.

Nonetheless, Kaworu said nothing about this change and followed, just as he said he would.

“That was beautiful, Shinji.”

“I just slowed it down a little so that I could play it better..”

“Nonetheless, it was your own interpretation. I thank you for showing me such wonder.”

He flattered him too much, he disliked it. But at the same time, it felt nice.

A slight pink flush dusted his cheeks and for a second, he almost forgot everything.

“Thanks.”

[＊]

Oh, such fragility in your eyes. Unchanging, unchanging, _unchanging_. The colors, green, black, _red_. Oh how they are all _because of you._

_How can I make you happy?_

_This is not it, not at all._

Oh, my dearest, your hands quiver ever so slightly at such light touch. Oh, my dearest, your heart is all too much like glass. Reflecting of the world and yet rejecting it all the same. Fragile, oh so fragile. 

_That is why, when the promised time arrives, I shall grant you true happiness._

Humanity is cruel, much too cruel. But you bear no such cruelty. Or perhaps you do, ever so slightly as you gaze at me, shy and embarrassed.

You, who suffer underneath it all. You, who bear the sins of the past. You, who persevere in your practice. _You, oh, my dearest, You._

Perhaps you believe this is happiness? But that is not it, no, not at all.

I have seen you, watching the flowers grow in between the cracks of steel and concrete. 

_Oh, my dearest, you have yet to know how long I have waited._

Unchanging, you cling to music.

You must agree, music is the greatest achievement of humanity, is it not?

“The wind carries the scent of blooming flowers. It is Spring, now.”

Quizzically, you look at me. Eyes full of confusion, their attention completely on me.

I smile, as I always have.

“It is hard to discern between the seasons, is it not? You are able to tell which season it is through both the stars and the wind.”

Your eyes spoke of a question, and the wind answered.

  
_(you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens_  
_touching skillfully, mysteriously her first rose.)_

_And silence took over again._  
_My gaze strictly on you._

_You quiver again._

_(or if your wish be to close me, I and_  
_my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,)_

Oh, my dearest, my dearest, my dearest, I wish to tell you not to be afraid.   
Oh, my dearest, dearest, dearest, I wish to heal you.

Oh, but alas, my friend, my friend, my friend— _My most treasured friend, and my dearest._

There was always a catch.

[＊]

“I was thinking..”

“What were you thinking?”

A brow was raised.

“I was getting to that.”

“Pardon.”

He smiled, accepting such an apology.

He was kind, and so was he.

“Maybe we could invite Rei to join us?”

The other male would pause, seemingly in thought. He wondered if he had done something wrong by suggesting such a thing.

“I don’t see why not. The more the merrier, they say. Isn’t that right, Shinji?”

In a matter of seconds, his face lit up and his smile grew wider.

A few seconds later, his lips thinned out in realization.

“I don’t really know where she is though. She’s rarely at her room anymore.”

The other male would smile at him, and their eyes met.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

**[ + ]**

She felt like slapping him. Hard. He just never stops asking for himself, doesn’t he? It pissed her off to no end. _Because he only ever cared for his self, and never for her._

She growled before turning on her heels. That face of his disgusted her. And his catatonic state, it felt like she was watching someone going on a tantrum. _Doesn’t he know how hard it was when he—when he—_ She didn’t continue that thought as she stomped away.

“Do what you want. Me and Wonder girl here are going to _actually_ do something useful, unlike you.” 

She spat at him, the venom in her voice clear as day. And yet, she easily gave in to him, just like 14 years ago.

_And it infuriated her._

And still, the blue haired girl said nothing. Preferring to observe and learn, or perhaps, she didn’t know.

At this, the boy would appreciate the both kind and also, mean gesture. At least, she let him do so.

  
He’d get to work, making do with the materials he had.

[＊]

Rei Ayanami was an enigma, much like he was. They were similar in more ways than one, and yet utterly different.

He knew.

_After all, they were the words ‘I love you’_

He would find her, drenched in the ever so familiar orange liquid. Its smell would be both hated, and yet loved all the while. For it was both the stench of death, and the stench of life. One and the same.

He knew, and realized why she had LCL on her. He was familiar with it as well.

“Shinji wanted to invite you to our practice sessions.”

Red eyes meet another pair of red. And yet, the other’s eyes were blank. There was no emotion in them, but it was still human nonetheless.

He felt sympathy for the girl.

There was no response.

“Would you like to join?”

The silence between them was unlike the silence he shared with Shinji. 

This silence, it was unbelievably lonely.

“I don’t know.”

The male would smile, never taking a step closer to the girl.

“Do it for Shinji. This, I ask of you.”

With that, he left. He understood, how she acted and how she felt.

She was but a child.

[＊]

He did not need to ask wether or not the other male was successful in inviting Rei. His smile told it all, gracing him ever so slightly with the answer.

The wind blowed between them, his eyes blinking to avoid the sting of meeting the wind.

He’d bite his lips as he approached the other, the day soon reaching its end.

“Tomorrow, will you let me lead?”

“Of course, if it is your wish.”

[＊]

Oh, and as tomorrow came, the sight of blue and silver met his eyes. The rising sun, a great contrast to such colors.

She was here.

A smile found its way to his face as he ran towards the two.

And yet, he exchanged only a few words with the other male. But he did not miss the act of expressing his gratitude.

Colors mixed and matched, and yet the blend was irresistibly beautiful.

He thought that this was happiness.

And so, with a cheery air, he played the piano, leading just as he asked.

Kaworu followed, while Rei listened.

And yet, her expression stayed as void of emotion as ever.

But the applause came from her.

“Kaworu, why don’t we teach Rei too?”

[＊]

Oh, how fun it was. The music, the sweet music, was everything that mattered. Words unspoken, but notes played.

It was perfection.

He closed his eyes, the feel of the keys right beneath his fingertips. The notes, such beautiful notes, were played until the end.

He opened his eyes and saw the white walls. 

His hands fell to his side as he sat upon his bed.

  
He recalled once, during one of their many, many practice sessions. His words were full of meaning, and they were as soft as air.

_Just repeat it over and over, until you are happy with how it makes you feel._

It was that kind of repetition, that didn’t feel like repetition.

It was the most fun he’s ever had.

It was a brief happiness that let him escape from the terrors of this world.

He took a brief glance at his SDAT.

A press later, and it didn’t work. How come? It was working fine just earlier..

Perhaps..

[＊]

He had brought his SDAT with him this time. He felt like it was too much to ask for more, especially when the male in front of him right now practically taught him everything he needed to know for the piano.

The sun was setting, he was running out of time.

Moments later, the small device was being held by much paler hands. 

“Sure, no problem. I know I can get it working again.”

How easy it was to request such a thing, despite the fact he has already done so much.

“Really? Thanks.. I feel bad asking you for everything you’ve done.”

And it was true, he was always honest with him.

“Don’t feel bad about it, we’re friends after all.”

Oh.

 _Oh_.

Right, they were friends. The word seemed foreign to him, he hadn’t heard it in years.

And yet, he felt more than that. He smiled. 

He looked up at the sky, the purple, orange and red mixing into a perfect view. It was getting dark.

  
He offered to stay longer, not wanting to let this opportunity to go to waste.

_(He did not want this day to end yet.)_

[＊]

_Oh how the stars shine. So, so, so far away, and yet they persevere. Their beautiful light shining, shining, oh so beautifully._

_They reflect in your eyes. You hold the silence of the vast night sky, and your eyes speak of the wonders of light within the abyss._

_Oh, how wonderful, how truly wonderful._

_You speak of your feelings, peace and serenity evident as you stare, and stare even more into the vast universe._

_What a change, what a change, what a_ change.

_You lie here, with me, looking up to worlds past our own._

_(We once lay, in a single room, looking up to the ceiling instead.)_

_Your honesty is worth more than you think, for this might be the only time you will ever speak to me like this._

_And I reply in kind, my words nearly echoing yours._

_How soft, your voice is._

_Nearly a whisper, carried by the wind._

_I was never one to look up the stars. Perhaps I might have missed such wonders, if you had not offered to stay longer._

**_“You like to watch the stars.”_ **

_Indeed you do, and it is much like you. You, whose life was much too turbulent to allow a sense of stability. You, who is mercilessly carried by the ruthless song of life._

_You must understand, even stars are not as infinite as you might think._

_(And thus, you have taught me exactly, the courage and bravery of stars when they die.)_

_Do you wish to travel to the beyond? It must have been a thought that has crossed your mind._

_You must think, that this is happiness._

_Perhaps, you may be right._

_Once again, my gaze is on you. You do not realize, you are much like the stars yourself._

**_“I really was born to meet you.”_ **

_I realize that now, as you look back at me._

_I thank you, for teaching me such simple joy. For showing me such wonder._

**_Perhaps I am as greedy as you are._ **

_For the distance between us, I moved to erase._

[＊]

_I had returned your… device. I had fixed it just as you asked. It was a simple problem, the button you press to activate it got stuck._

_And yet, you yourself seem to be unhappy. I could tell, by the way your shoulders slouch and your expression contorts to a small frown._

_So I asked, and you were eager for answers._

_The truth, if you may call it. I fear the worst but it is what you ask, and thus_ I shall give.

_The wind, and the clouds were harsh here. I forget, your body is human. Unlike my own, which can tolerate weather such as this._

_You stumble, and struggle. There is a sense of beauty in the way you take my hand, the way your worries disappear when I smile._

_You must know, the truth to the past that you have._

_And so, I showed it to you, and explained it._

_You are distraught, but this is something you must face._

_Perhaps, this is your legacy._

**_I do not smile._ **

**[ + ]**

It was difficult to make a grave, but nonetheless he had an idea of what it should look like.

Books of fiction described graves with stacked stones, and often times, just a piece of wood.

There was not much material to work with, but thankfully, they were in a clearing. The red ground reminded him of both of his mistakes, but at the same time, such red was found in him.

_Such red was all he saw._

He decided to stack stones, with a mixture of concrete shards lying around.

It looked terrible, but it was a comfort nonetheless.

He sank to his knees in front of it, his eyes stinging.

Until a familiar voice was heard,

“Are you done yet?! We found another Entry Plug!”

[＊]

_You have lost your trust in everything. There are things that even I don’t know of. I hope you forgive me._

_You tell me how you can’t trust anyone, not your father, neither Misato. Not even Rei._

_What had changed? Did you learn of something? It was not my position nor right to ask, for I am partially the reason as to why you are distressed right now._

_And so, my fingers made quick work with the death sentence around your neck. I did not_ _give you the time to protest nor prevent me as I take the choker as my own._

_Do you trust me now?_

_The way your eyes look at me in disbelief answered my question._

_You must realize, this is the extent of my love for you. For your happiness, I will do anything._

_I tell you of the plan, regarding the_ spears. _This plan, which was 14 years in the making, finally coming to fruition._

_I have given you much hope, Hope that you will need._

_Although, the burden of it might be too much._

_Your eyes gaze at the choker ever so slightly, and yet you say how I always do and say the right thing._

_I would answer, it is because I only think of you._

_The light pink dusting your cheeks, perhap_ s, _may be worth more than gold._

[＊]

And yet, he was ensnared. Perfectly, meticulously ensnared, similarly to how a bird had its wings clipped.

How come? It was all perfectly planned out. They would pull out the two spears, and change the world to be a much better one.

_Oh, that was right._

He nearly laughed from the realization. Father, King of the Lilin, _Gendo._

For once, he felt anger. Such _insolence_. He knew the two spears were near identical, and even if he were to tell Shinji, he wouldn’t be able to tell which was which.

He switched out the spears, didn’t he? Knowing his son would follow his orders as soon as he gave them.

They needed Cassius and Longinus, and yet, Gendo had them all dancing in his palm.

He doesn’t blame Shinji at all, this was a grave miscalculation on his part. 

He doesn’t blame him when he overrides his pilot controls and pulls the spears out of Lilith’s body.

**_“It is not your fault. I was the trigger.”_ **

It was more or less a comfort, so that he will not feel guilt and so that he will not blame himself.

**_“Because I am the Thirteenth Angel.”_ **

He recognizes the voices of the others, Asuka, Rei, and the girl piloting Eva Unit 08. This was a cruel fate they all had.

 _Pattern Type: Blue_ , the DSS Choker would react to his true identity.

Shards would float around his neck.

He was no stranger to death, but an aching pain was always felt whenever he looked upon his sorrowful face.

One spear was thrusted into the Eva.

**_“Don’t give me that look. We will meet again, Shinji.”_ **

The other followed.

_(i and my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,_  
_as when the heart of this flower imagines_  
_the snow carefully everywhere descending.)_

_He smiles, as the shards shot into his skin._

**[ + ]**

That—That might be his Entry Plug. 

With a vigor he never knew he had, he rushed to where Asuka and Rei were.

He recognized it, and the sight of it made his knees go weak.

He said nothing as he watched the fiery girl open the hatch, only to reveal that nothing was there.

Nothing, but the drippings of blood and left over LCL mixing into each other.

It was then Asuka was reminded that he wasn’t wearing the choker. She growled and grabbed Shinji.

“What the hell did you do?” 

She asked, the ferocity clear in her voice.

He responded with not a word, but a _smile_.


End file.
